Perfectionism: A fatal flaw

Perfectionism—A thread that often weaves its way through our lives, leaving behind a trail of shattered dreams and unfulfilled potential. In my daily life, it persists, insidiously creeping into the cracks of my being, enveloping my mind and heart entirely—a relentless presence, my fatal flaw.

It has reached a point where my functionality is compromised in the incessant shadow of its presence. As if the flaw’s spectre assumes the guise of a silent companion in my shadow, persistently trailing me, concealed until the luminance of opportunity reveals its presence. When the light of chance emerges, it springs forth, a crucial facet of me previously obscured, yet now laid bare. The terror it elicits within me is truly alarming, yet its familiarity has somehow flawlessly camouflaged itself into my existence.

For instance, the mere thought of writing this piece while worrying about the potential inadequacy of the outcome paralyzed me. I wanted my first blog piece to be perfect. Yet, I acknowledged that elusive ideal remains unattainable, completely out of my grasp, for I am my harshest critic. 

Still prone to chronic cases of stubbornness that run through the human race, I postponed the task until an opportune moment seemed futile. I pondered upon the ridiculous futility of perpetual waiting until I settled on taking control. Finally. 

It wasn’t easy. Throughout the entire journey from my bed to my laptop, it felt like I was waging war against my inner critic. “You’re going to fail at this, do it when you’re done with your schoolwork. That’s more important!” It taunted but I shook my head and possibly rattled it out of my head, replying with courage, “It’s now or never.” 

Thus, here I am, staring at the screen of my home page and here you are, reading the entire backstory that you did not ask for. But that’s what we’re all here for, right? To enlighten each other. Considering, as the sun sets, we’re all human in some way or the other. 

I convinced myself that this piece wasn’t going to write itself but I’m forever doomed with my inner voice. Trust me, she isn’t that bad. Sometimes she’s all sunshine and rainbows, compared to the constant thunderstorms and rain she’s inclined towards being. It’s the curse of duality. It offers me fresh insights into every choice I make and ensures I remain on my toes. Much akin to a nervous ballerina, it appears fitting that balance isn’t exactly my expertise. 

Had I mastered the art of balance, I would be excelling in my IBDP program, all while maintaining a sense of sanity to indulge in my multiple hobbies. Unfortunately, my reality is a chaotic assortment of unfinished documents, adorned with critiques and notes from my internal critic.

To say, living with an inner voice that constantly critiques and urges one to meet unachievable standards of perfection demands immense courage. Even if it's oblivious to the fact that these standards surpass human capabilities. I, for one, have gotten used to strengthening those capabilities so I don’t disappoint my inner voice. Yes, I succumbed to the war but then again, it also granted you this piece of writing. So, you’re welcome. 

I’d like to think that this process was simple if only to find solace, but the reality is far from it. It’s a continuous tumult of conflicting emotions, a relentless clash that exhausts me to the point where all I can do is sit and zone out, surrounded by the cacophony of conversations within my mind. Upon realisation, this illusion of 'simplicity' is not something to be underestimated.

As Vincent Van Gogh once said, ‘How difficult it is to be simple.’ I intend to rephrase that and state, ‘How difficult it is to be perfect.’ 

When delving into the so-called philosophy of perfection as it manifests in my mind, it's important to recognize that my concept of 'perfection' or my state of being a 'perfectionist' may not align with yours. Such perspectives are inherently subjective and vary from person to person. 

I believe that achieving perfection comes when I’m satisfied with my final result, to the extent that I can confidently present it to someone else. As obvious as it is, one’s upbringing and habits shape the person they are. Having grown up with limited social interaction, I sought connection through the works I produced and yearned for validation. Interestingly, now more than ever, my primary quest is to find validation within myself before seeking it from others.

The silent approval from my persistent inner voice. When that metaphorical green flag is raised in my mind, I smile, larger than ever. For me, that's perfection – the ability to smile again.

These minor imperfections surround us, lightly touching some fortunate individuals like a cherry blossom gracefully falling upon their shoulders. In contrast, others find themselves pulled to a point of no return. Both experiences are acceptable and naturally coexist in our surroundings; they are an inevitable part of life. The notion of a ‘fatal flaw’ exists within literature and in the tangible world, quite seamlessly too. 

From humans to the tragic protagonists found in classical literature and their creators, there exists a universal quest for flawlessness. This fatal flaw looms over the core of storytelling, be it within a narrative or in the unfolding chapters of our own lives. 

In the end, life is within our grasp; we have a single opportunity, and how we approach it is entirely in our hands. We mustn't allow flaws to seize control, steering us through a journey meant uniquely for us. Instead, we should transform them into strengths, taking the lead to guide our lives toward their fullest potential. 

After all, Aristotle did say, ‘No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.’ We all possess a touch of madness in our genuinely beautiful ways. Each of us is striving for perfection in our unique manner, and it is solely up to our minds to either embrace it or resist it.

"I am a child of perfectionism, a serf to its taunts, I feel its shadow walk with me through every crevice of my existence, tongue jutting out hungrily for the tiniest of mistakes. It feeds on insecurity and comparison, but I am the one who serves the meal. I could stop, but I do not crave normalcy. I want to be the best or nothing at all." - Myiesha Jain

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Glossary:

Insidiously - in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.

Fatal flaw - a character trait possessed by a person that ultimately leads to his downfall.

Incessant - (of something regarded as unpleasant) continuing without pause or interruption. Inadequacy - the state or quality of being inadequate; lack of the quantity or quality required.

Cacophony - a harsh discordant mixture of sounds.

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